Stand-up Comic

Month: May 2017

Bit of Gas “Dominos”

This week’s  “Bit of Gas” : Domino’s

I mean the Dominos mood.

The physically and mentally unwell mood, where you could hurt somebody but you order Dominos instead.

Has anyone ever ordered Dominos in a good mood?When they have their shit together, they’ve had a great day and there fully dressed?

Exactly

I would love to be a Dominos delivery driver for a day

Just to see what creatures come out of hiding for their dinner, at like noon.

Everyone pays online now, so do the driver’s ever see a person? Or just a hand ,from behind the door, that grabs the boxes and runs from daylight, but there was definitely one too many hairs on that hand for it to be human.

Are the instructions ever odd like place on my doorstep give the box a kiss and move away slowly, very slowly….

 

I always feel bad and tip extra because I am not a woman nor a fluid person greeting them at the door, just a shell of someone I left on the dancefloor, in an uber, a strangers bed, or facedown in some curry chips the night before.

I have tracksuit bottoms on I found from the 90’s, A t shirt with out a bra but not the sexy kind, the distracting and worried for everyone’s safety kind. 

My odour is regret and the unknown,

I’ve ordered a family meal deal for 8 so have to do the trick of calling and telling NOBODY in the house that the “pizza’s here”

Dominos delivery guys are every day heroes,when I see a Dominos bike flying around the city.Its what I imagine the people of Gotham to feel like when they see Batman’s sign. Help is always a phone call, loud scream or wifi connection away.

Filling the family sized pizza into the void in my heart, my brain or my baby toe I dunno which part of me feels empty I just know somewhere does.

Feeding my dormant food baby that nearly died from fetal alcohol poison the night before. Lining up the six garlic dips, reminiscent of the tequila’s several hours ago. I chase my pizza with a dip to hide the fact that Domino’s isn’t as tasty as I remember it to be, every time. The lingering taste of garlic proves I’m not a Vampire even though I’m pretty sure I bit someone last night. 

Tomorrow I’m gonna have a food hangover worse than my real hangover.

Why do you never crave a Kale salad when hungover? Why when you feel like shit, you want to eat shit?

Because You Are What You…..

………

Excrete.

Exactly, we’re all pieces of shit have a good one folks!

Seen as this is a “blog” post I wanted to show you guys my haul from Domino’s…

 

*Eat Domino’s responsibly*

Bit of gas: Cinco de Mayo

This week’s “Bit of Gas”

I want to wish you a happy Cinco de Mayo. 

May the fifth of May be with you, doesn’t quite have the same ring to it. Although the meme’s were out in force yesterday.

The fifth of May I can get more on board with..

Why am I celebrating Cinco de Mayo as an Irish woman you ask?

Well it’s mostly celebrated in the states, trust the American’s to take something and make it bigger, festivals….food and Trumps tiny…..tiny……toupee!!!

But I think Irish people and Mexicans are quite similar. Were both very religious countries, we LOVE to drink and we fuck our cousins….

Or maybe because we have similar celebratory holidays, Dias de los Muertos the day of the dead and St Patrick’s Day, the day of the walking dead!

Either way all I know is I love a bandwagon to hop on especially if it has something to do with tequila beers and taco’s. 

Fun Fact 

Cinco de Mayo is actually a day in remembrance of the Battle of Puebla in 1862, in which the Mexican Army successfully defended itself against the French.

A bit like when St Patrick successfully defended Ireland against snakes.

And maybe how you’ll defend yourself tonight against any drunken predators.

Don’t build a wall, build a bridge all the way to Ireland so we can session together!

Have a good one folks 

*Always eat taco’s responsibly*