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Bit of Gas “Dominos”

This week’s  “Bit of Gas” : Domino’s

I mean the Dominos mood.

The physically and mentally unwell mood, where you could hurt somebody but you order Dominos instead.

Has anyone ever ordered Dominos in a good mood?When they have their shit together, they’ve had a great day and there fully dressed?

Exactly

I would love to be a Dominos delivery driver for a day

Just to see what creatures come out of hiding for their dinner, at like noon.

Everyone pays online now, so do the driver’s ever see a person? Or just a hand ,from behind the door, that grabs the boxes and runs from daylight, but there was definitely one too many hairs on that hand for it to be human.

Are the instructions ever odd like place on my doorstep give the box a kiss and move away slowly, very slowly….

 

I always feel bad and tip extra because I am not a woman nor a fluid person greeting them at the door, just a shell of someone I left on the dancefloor, in an uber, a strangers bed, or facedown in some curry chips the night before.

I have tracksuit bottoms on I found from the 90’s, A t shirt with out a bra but not the sexy kind, the distracting and worried for everyone’s safety kind. 

My odour is regret and the unknown,

I’ve ordered a family meal deal for 8 so have to do the trick of calling and telling NOBODY in the house that the “pizza’s here”

Dominos delivery guys are every day heroes,when I see a Dominos bike flying around the city.Its what I imagine the people of Gotham to feel like when they see Batman’s sign. Help is always a phone call, loud scream or wifi connection away.

Filling the family sized pizza into the void in my heart, my brain or my baby toe I dunno which part of me feels empty I just know somewhere does.

Feeding my dormant food baby that nearly died from fetal alcohol poison the night before. Lining up the six garlic dips, reminiscent of the tequila’s several hours ago. I chase my pizza with a dip to hide the fact that Domino’s isn’t as tasty as I remember it to be, every time. The lingering taste of garlic proves I’m not a Vampire even though I’m pretty sure I bit someone last night. 

Tomorrow I’m gonna have a food hangover worse than my real hangover.

Why do you never crave a Kale salad when hungover? Why when you feel like shit, you want to eat shit?

Because You Are What You…..

………

Excrete.

Exactly, we’re all pieces of shit have a good one folks!

Seen as this is a “blog” post I wanted to show you guys my haul from Domino’s…

 

*Eat Domino’s responsibly*

Bit of gas: Cinco de Mayo

This week’s “Bit of Gas”

I want to wish you a happy Cinco de Mayo. 

May the fifth of May be with you, doesn’t quite have the same ring to it. Although the meme’s were out in force yesterday.

The fifth of May I can get more on board with..

Why am I celebrating Cinco de Mayo as an Irish woman you ask?

Well it’s mostly celebrated in the states, trust the American’s to take something and make it bigger, festivals….food and Trumps tiny…..tiny……toupee!!!

But I think Irish people and Mexicans are quite similar. Were both very religious countries, we LOVE to drink and we fuck our cousins….

Or maybe because we have similar celebratory holidays, Dias de los Muertos the day of the dead and St Patrick’s Day, the day of the walking dead!

Either way all I know is I love a bandwagon to hop on especially if it has something to do with tequila beers and taco’s. 

Fun Fact 

Cinco de Mayo is actually a day in remembrance of the Battle of Puebla in 1862, in which the Mexican Army successfully defended itself against the French.

A bit like when St Patrick successfully defended Ireland against snakes.

And maybe how you’ll defend yourself tonight against any drunken predators.

Don’t build a wall, build a bridge all the way to Ireland so we can session together!

Have a good one folks 

*Always eat taco’s responsibly*

 

 

My Podcast Virginity

How’s it going?

A couple of weeks back I recorded my first ever podcast with the lovely Spud from the Comedy Cast. I got some great feedback from the chat so thought I would share it once again on my website for any one that missed it.

 

The Comedy Cast Interview with Irish Stand-up Comedian Anna Clifford

 

My podcast virginity seemed like a fitting title for this post as its true and if you listen half way through the chat we start to discuss sex and it place in my set.

It took me a while to listen to it back myself as we can all probably relate no one likes hearing the sound of there own voice. And seen as I was present for the whole conversation I was trying to convince myself I didn’t have to listen back and cringe as badly as getting a flashback from a drunken night out. But it all helps and is part and parcel of being a performer.

I remember when I first learnt that I didn’t sound like what I heard in my own head, it was probably around the age of eight or nine when I was convinced I sounded EXACTLY like Sporty Spice this belief was crushed when I didn’t get into my primary school choir. Although I’m not sure Mel C would of had a chance either! I got over it by continuing to wear adidas rip offs,doing high kicks an singing out of tune!

Since recording the podcast with The Comedy Cast, I have gotten a bit of a bug for Podcasts. It is way more enjoyable listening to a podcast on the train or in bed than refreshing Facebook and realising its only use is for creeping, multiple meme tags  and remembering your friends birthdays.

The Comedy Cast is a great podcast to listen to. Some of my favourite interviews so far include the talented comics like, Laura Byrne, Brian Gallagher, Aidan Shields, Alex Byrne, Ryan Cullen and many more…

If you don’t know how to listen to The Comedy Cast follow this link http://thecomedycast.com/2016/07/26/how-to-listen/

I have also been enjoying listening to Lena Dunhams “Woman of the hour”

And for the soul searcher in me Elkhart Tolle’s “Positive life” podcast.

If you have been listening to any good podcasts recently let me know as I plan on being a podcast slut from now on….

I have since recorded another podcast with the fabulous TJ Haughey  we chatted all things comedy and being creative, living abroad and life struggles it was great craic and I will share as soon as its posted but for now I’m going to make a sandwich.

Adios Amigo’s.

Lent Hacks

Hello Everyone

I hope you had a flipping good week. Pancake tuesday should be a national holiday in my opinion. I could barely enjoyed my Nutella soaked fried batter, in between working a double shift. A day off would be far more enjoyable for what is after all my second favourite day after Christmas, my birthday, Paddy’s day, Easter and Friday’s!!

Then there was Hash Wednesdays where all the Granny’s walk around after joints were put out on their foreheads.

And so began lent, if like me, you lost your belief in religion a long time ago but because of the country we were born into, you were given the Catholic Guilt Injection around the same time as the MMR Vaccine. You might feel that Lent is something you have to practice still.

I have come up with Five Lent Hacks to help you survive the next six weeks.

1.Diet 

If you are on a “diet” for the next six weeks you can change this word to “Lent”. Tell people your on a “diet” they’ll tell you your being silly and your gorgeous while shoving a chocolate digestive down your throat. Tell them your on Lent it shuts them up like a Nun’s Vagina.

So back off with those biscuits Barbara.

 

2. Give up something you don’t like.

I’m a vegetarian, I haven’t eaten meat for 19 years am I giving meat up for Lent? of course, its what the baby Jesus would have wanted, me not to eat his mates from the stable.

Give up something you don’t like for a successful guilt free lent.

 

3. St Patricks Day

All Irish folk know Saint Patricks Day is our go free pass on Lent.So go fecking mental I say. Undo all you have given up for one glorious day. It was Paddy himself who told god the same day he was driving the snakes out Ireland to give all us sinners a break, after all that is Why we celebrate that Gent so much.

4. Change Religion

Its never to late to change your faith. To avoid Lent altogether here’s a list of religions that don’t do Lent.

Buddhism, Taoism, Islam, Pastafarian etc

Don’t worry, be happy – Buddha

5. Take up something new

Lent is all about giving up something but I thought god hated quitters so I suggest taking up a hobbie like singing, photography or gambling.

Gambling the bobbie you’ll never give up again….not even for Lent!

My First Blog

Hello and happy Sunday to all, whether it’s a fresh one or your wallowing in self pity from a pint too many or the shock of your bank account being half of what it was on Friday, just remember tomorrow is Monday and you have another opportunity to fuck stuff up next week.

This is my first blog post, because lets be honest the world needs more bloggers!!! What I really want to know is when am I gonna get sent all the free stuff??

That is why I started this blog after all…..

I jest Annacliff.ie is a platform for my comedy jokes, photos, videos and when my next gig will be.

I love to make people laugh and if you like to laugh were gonna get along. The world terrifies me and I truly believe if we laugh 90percent of the way through it we’ll be grand and we shall all get into some kind of hilarious heaven!

I’m gonna shut up now and let you get back to refreshing Facebook, twitter, instagram, and pornhub!

Oh a few quick things I’m not a technical millennial so this page probably needs more work and bear with me as we make it beautiful.

If you are the grammar police I am a grammar criminal after 26 years of not knowing where to put comma’s or full stops I dunno if this dog will learn new tricks but ill try.

This week I’m gigging at

The fabulous Camden Comedy in Anseo on Camden St Tuesday 21 Febuary at 8pm

Back up to Dundalk where the Craic is mighty at Juice Box Comedy in the Spirit Store, Dundalk Friday the 24th of Febuary at 9pm

And the wonderful Comedy Crunch in the Stags Head, Dublin Sunday 26th at 9pm.

And if you don’t already you can follow me on

Instagram: annacliffcomedy

Facebook; Anna Cliff Comedy

Twitter: @AnnaCliffComedy

Follow me on social media and not on the streets cause that’s creepy but looking through photos from 2008 is perfectly acceptable.

Until next time Adios Amigos.